it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I will pee on everything he values.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Randomize
