hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
