I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
This toilet bowl is my home.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
