The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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