Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
