i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Randomize
