I think I died a long time ago.
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
