She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Randomize
