we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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