We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
