dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
