somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
