I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I intend to get homeless drunk
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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