Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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