I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
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