YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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