I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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