Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
