I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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