Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
