I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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