I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
