party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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