I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
