My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
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