My friends, they love my intelligence
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
