I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
