So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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