I smell stomach acid.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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