I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
