i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Someone shit on the floor
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
