sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Randomize
