I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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