Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
