Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
