Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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