VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
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