how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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