i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
