He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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