You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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