she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
