The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
