Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
