The brown eye won't let me do that either.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize