grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize