At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
