you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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