This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
