I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
