I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
