all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
