why im i the only drunk person in the library?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
