dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
