never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I think I sprained my soul last night
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
