did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
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