i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
