I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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