Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
