i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Randomize
