I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
