I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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