mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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